Good Voice/Bad Voice

I once had a talent agent say to me, "Your face is too big for television." (This was right after she told me I should change my name to "Cecilia Hernandez and tap the 'Hispanic market' just like that guy Geraldo did". Yep). Then a few months later when I was applying for a job as a bartender in a rundown pub in East Hollywood, the owner of the bar said, "You know...you're not gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, but you're not Kathy Bates." Just out of the clear blue, unsolicited, he felt it necessary to inform me that while I wasn't gorgeous X 3, I was not a heavyset character actress. (For the record, I think Kathy Bates is lovely and a fine performer.)

I have had this bar owner's words plus countless agents/casting directors/Texas Mothers' (including my own) in my head my whole life, just circling through the gray matter that is allegedly my brain. (Wait, why would it "allegedly" be my brain?) "More lipstick", "Big face", "Unsinkable Molly Brown", "Geraldo", just over and over again on a loop while I try to put my best (and least "Misery"-inspired) face forward. I bring this up because I've found that these words have influenced the way I feel about myself in relationships. "Is my face too big?" I ask myself as a first date is going in for the kiss. "Might I possibly, accidentally of course, whack him in the knees to keep him locked in my home after a horrible car wreck and subsequently make him change the ending to his novel?" (Okay, this "Misery" thing is really sticking with me).

Point is, they got to me. And I think there's a "they" who gets to all of us, which is a real shame. Whoever your "they" is, remember that "they" had a "them" too and while it might be different words that get thrown around, we're all affected by what others think. Before this dangerously becomes a delightful Dr. Seuss poem or an unfortunate "Cathy" comic strip, I'll just say this: try to keep the good voices in your head, (ya know, the ones who tell you how beautiful you are) especially when you're on dates. Wow, that didn't sound as creepy before I wrote it down, but I think you get the idea.

Readers, I'd love to hear from you! Feel free to email me thoughts or questions to: Shescrazyhesaliar@gmail.com