Never tell a guy-friend about your current crush. Girls understand, they don’t roll eyes or laugh in your face; dudes take it as an opportunity to publicly humiliate the cause.
It all started a few years ago. I’m at Amoeba records with my friend Dave, annoyed because it’s too crowded and smells like a mix of Patchouli and broken dreams. As I pick up the newest Bloc Party record, I see from the corner of my eye, a well known local musician whom I’m not only a f an of, I’ve had a crush on for quite some time, (let’s call him Max.) Eye contact, smile, look away…ya know, creepy-sweet. Dave, who’s one aisle over sees this exchange and knowing who this guy is, winks at me. I shoot him a warning “Keep your mouth shut” glance,” but it’s too late.
“Hey Cec”, he yells, looking at Max to make sure he’s listening. “Here’s that Michael Bolton CD you were looking for. Aw, he totally cut his hair!”
I reply, loudly enough for Max to hear: “Ha ha, you moron. I was picking up this new Wilco album I hadn’t yet…”
“No, you weren’t…”, he insists. “Dude, you told me you had three CDs to get. John Tesh’s Christmas album, Mariah Carey’s ‘Rainbow’ and Michael Fricken Bolton.”
“Dude, don’t…”
Max looks disappointed and walks into the import section. I follow him and say loudly, “I wonder where the new Interpol import is.” He looks up and smiles. I continue, “I just love listening to my indie-rock, all alone, naked in my apartment on 4500 Spaulding Street, where I keep a spare key above the door.” It seems I’ve now confused Max. He picks up a handful of guitar picks and heads for the check-out. Meanwhile, Dave continues to hold up various CDs, while screaming, “Look, we finally found the best of Jefferson/Starship. Oh but you only have a cassette player, right? Let’s see if we can’t find it on…”
“Shut the F$%k up.”
Guy friends are valuable for many things; unfortunately they’re best at throwing a pie in your face in front of America’s Top 100 Sexiest Bachelors.
***To find out what eventually happens with Max, come back Friday!
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