P.D.A-Hole

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much we learn from our parents when it comes to intimacy. Whether it’s how we were raised or the genetic code we were instilled with, I believe our tolerance for hand-holding, public kissing and calling our mates “piggly-wiggly baby-doll puppy-head” in public is on par with those who raised us.

I come from a family (at least on my Dad’s side) of patters. Ya know when they hug you, it’s one-hand on a shoulder and the other hand giving you one-two-three pats on the back. This might just be the cool (yet ultra friendly) distance of true Texans or it might just be us…but either way, we’re not big on the whole lovey dovey, touchy-feely thing and I’m totally fine with that. But you know who’s not fine with it? The guys I’ve dated. In fact one was very upset that I not only wouldn’t make out with him outside of Applebees, but that I asked him to “please stop calling me ‘Monkey-face” in public. (It may have just been that he’d bring other people, like waiters, into it. “Hey I’m gonna order the chicken wings for an ‘Appa-teaser’…what do you want, Monkey-face?”)

It’s not that I don’t think people should be able to express their love for each in public. I’m just asking to tone it down a notch. Sure, hand holding and a fun little kiss is delightful (for most people) but full-on tongue kissing and pants-removing seems unsettling. And worst of all is the baby-talk! I used to work at a movie-theater in Dallas and one guy on a date came through the concessions line and said, “I want a small Coke and baby waby wants some Whopper, boppers” I replied, “Sir, I’m going to exercise my right to not serve you.” “Oh no!” he said, “Baby Waby has to get served!”

I have a friend who dated a guy named Chuck and after just two dates, she insisted on calling him “Chuckles”. Now if that were just between them, I could see how that might be kind of cute. But for the rest of us (or at least me) it was excruciating. “Chuckles said the cutest thing today. Chuckles is so good in bed. Chuckles just got audited by the I.R.S…” SHUT IT or both you and Chuckles are gonna get de-friended on Facebook!

Again if it were left just between them, it’d be fine. I mean, I’ve certainly had my share of nicknames in relationships. (One guy used to call me “Puppylicious McClanahan” and it had an accompanying song and everything!) But please…don’t bring the rest of us into your cutesiness or I, Puppylicious McClanahan will get saddy waddy.

What’s the worst pet-name you’ve ever been given…or doled out yourself? Let me know!