On The Wings of Gross

As someone who is fairly (okay, completely) addicted to reality television, I am ready to admit that I love nearly all dating competitions. Bret Michaels’ bandana/hair extensions combo in “Rock of Love”, Flavor Flav’s giant clock-necklace and simply Ray-J’s smile have all been enough to get me though a hangover on a Sunday morning. And it’s with that said that I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without discussing ABC’s “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love”. The show reminds me of the good old days when dating shows like “Elimi-date” would capture moments of potential love-birds (read: out-of-work actors) exclaiming with straight faces, “You are my soul-mate. But there’s a better soul-mate for me over here and I’m gonna go with that soul-mate. Bye, other soul-mate!”

So before that exciting finale next week, (Oooh will Jake pick Vienna, Tenley or that wildcard producer, Jason?), I’d like to say the following: if a guy ever said to me that his “heart was crying” when he broke up with me or that he hopes to have a “little boy crush” on his wife 20 years down the line, I will respond by vomiting and then possibly impaling myself on something. Oh hey Jake…hope you didn’t read that!

Here are five more things I’d hate to ever hear from my hypothetical TV bachelor:

1) Our journey has been so special. But all journeys must end and mine is gonna end with that red-head over there.
2) Cecily, I can see inside your heart and it appears your arteries are a tad clogged.
3) If eyes are the windows to the soul, your window is double-paned…(wait…what?)
4) Hey, love your Pradas! Can I try them on?
5) When you hug me, would you mind moving over to the left a little? You’re kinda blocking my light.

(And two more for good measure)

6) When I kiss you, I feel just like I did at my first Hall and Oates concert.
7) Cecily, will you accept this rose? And will you accept this other boyfriend I have on the side?

As I write all of this, my “heart is crying”. I suppose we should just end this “journey” here.

Are you a Reality TV Love junkie? Let me know! Email me: Shescrazyhesaliar@gmail.com