“I Don’t Love You” Watch

I dated a guy back in the day (let’s call him Willy) who I fell hard for. Didn’t care that he collected dolls (sorry, action figures) or that he would rather watch footage of obscure Japanese horror films than take me out to dinner. He had an adorably impish smile and he made me laugh at least five times a day. I wanted to be with him, despite his often chilly, nerdy disposition and what’s more, I liked the “me” he brought out. We were good friends circling the idea of having a relationship and he always made me damn good martinis. Here’s the catch: every two or three weeks he would declare the following: “I’ve been searching for how I really feel about you and I just need to let you know…I don’t love you yet.” Literally, every ten days that’s what he’d say, “I don’t love you yet.” Now a lot of people, after having been put on “I don’t love you” watch would probably rightfully reply, “Well, then we’re done. Let me know when you love me”. But nope, not me. I decided I’d make him love me. I tried it all: sexy lingerie, “love-drugs”, trying to grasp a better understanding of “Star Trek.” Once, I even bought him his favorite action figure from “Hogan’s Heroes”, (Col. Klink, in case you wondered). But while he certainly liked me, it seemed the more desperate I became, the more love slipped off the table.

You can’t trick someone into loving you. Sure, Col. Klink dolls (really?) and lovey rave-substances may buy you more time, but if someone feels the need to tell you they don’t love you…guess what? They don’t. Willy finally stopped the torture and took me off the “I don’t love you” watch by breaking up with me. I cried for months and he went on to fall in love with someone else (and I eventually did too).

For the record, here’s a list of other stuff that if uttered by your girl or boyfriend on more than one occasion, you might want to re-evaluate your relationship. Aside from “I don’t love you yet”…there’s:

1)“Hey, do you think your sister would like my abs?”
2)“The thing I love about Tom Cruise is…”
3)“So, do you want me to sign you up for gym membership or are you gonna do it?”
4)“You know who you would love? My friend Jon! I think I’m gonna set y’all up.”
5)“Do you mind if I call you “Roger”? (Unless your name is Roger, than I suppose it’s okay).

What’s your “get out now” warning-sentence? Email me and we’ll discuss!